Crowds

As a rule I try to avoid crowds at all cost. Nothing gives me anxiety more than being around large amounts of people. The only exception I make for this rule is concerts but I only go to concerts for bands that are my absolute favorite. This is a very short list, I have only been to a few concerts as an adult. My husband goes to many because he doesn’t mind people, the more the merrier for him. I get too anxious to be around that many people to just be all willy nilly about concert going. I always tell my husband that I will go to a concert with him if he can’t find anyone to go with but to my fortune he usually finds at least one friend that will join him so I am safe.

The mall is another place that I avoid at all cost except when I need to go the eye doctor. The closest office for my eye doctor happens to be in the closest mall to my home. I know exactly where it is so I park accordingly and go in the proper door so my walking time in the mall is the shortest route possibly. I park, walk in the closest door, turn a corner, walk down the stairs, walk around behind them and there is my eye doctor. Then I take the same route back. I try not to think about anything until I get back outside. No matter what day or time I make my appointment for there seems to be a massive amount of people at the mall. Even on nice warm sunny days. This is the last place I would want to be on a beautiful day.

My husband and I go to the movies a couple times a month but we go either Saturday or Sunday morning. Never at night, especially on the weekends. We never go see a movie that just came out either, we will wait at least three weeks to see a new release. It’s cheaper to go in the mornings before noon but that is just a bonus for us, we go on weekend mornings because of the people. I want once on opening night to a movie and had the worst time ever, I could not relax and enjoy myself because a complete stranger sat next to me and there were complete strangers in front of me and behind me, the theater was packed. I will never do that again. In the mornings there may only be like twenty other people at the most so we can all spread out and pretend that we are the only people in the theater watching the movie.

I try to be a flexible as I can with my husband because I do not want him to miss out on anything, that wouldn’t be fair to him. So we compromise a lot on what we do. We go out and do things a lot but we try to plan it when we think that there will not be as many people around. He tries as well to accommodate me because he knows I get anxious and hate being around crowds so at times it can be hard but we make it work.

Thanks everyone! Hope to see you again.

Kate

Growing Up

I am much happier in life now as an adult than I was as a kid growing up. I knew that I was never that kid that loved to hang out with my friends. I had many friends because I participated in many after school activities. I danced, swam, played volleyball and softball and there were many kids in my neighborhood to play with.  With all of that going on I only wanted to just hang out by myself. But with the good parents that I had they were always telling to go outside and play with my friends.  I never wanted to. I just wanted to be alone.

Now as an adult, I know that was the case because I am an introvert, which was something that I didn’t even know was a thing when I was young. I was always friendly with my fellow dancers and athletes but they always wanted to hang out and it was so exhausting. I felt that never got to be me, I felt that I had to be happy and friendly so they wouldn’t think that I didn’t want to be there. I did want to be there until I got there then I just wanted to go home. Having to go to school five days a week, with all the activities that I was in and the friends that I did want to be around, it was so overwhelming at times that I just wanted to be alone. I got labeled as shy because after time I wouldn’t talk unless spoken to and I tended to be a wall flower at party.

As I grew older, I cared less and less about what other people thought about my decisions. While I was in high school and college my decisions were still for the most part governed by my friends. I still did things that I didn’t really feel like doing because it was easier to just go along than have to explain why I didn’t and plus I was afraid that I would lose my friends and I did not want that to happen. I did though, when I was at a critical point of freaking out, just stay in when I needed to not caring what they thought.

I became my true self when I graduated from college. I realized that I am the only person that can make me truly happy and if my friends were truly my friends they will have unconditioned love for me. Plus the more friends you have the more drama you have so this way the friends that will be with me forever will understand that I need to be me and will be OK with it. If I wanted to stay in, I did. If I wanted to go out, I did. I found that I stayed in more than I went out and I have never been happier. I get all the alone time that I need and I still get to be social and hang with the people that mean the most to me. They are happier to because I am more fun to be around.

Thanks for being here, I hope you stick around.

Kate

Reading

I don’t know how many of you enjoy reading but I sure do. I could literally spend the rest of my days just reading. Sitting in my home, in my pajamas, snuggled in a blanket just reading. In my perfect world, I would own a library that was not open to the public, it would have windows that no one on the outside could see in but still let in all the light. It would be one big room with shelves lining all the walls that of course would be filled with books, there would be a path that I could walk to be able to get the books with a ladder to reach the high ones. In the middle of the room would be a big comfortable bed, with pillow and blankets. Until my dream is realized, I am OK with what I currently have.

I read books so much that you could possibly say that I am addicted to them, almost. It has gotten to a point now where I had to get a library card so I wouldn’t spend any more money on them. I used to go and buy paperback books because they were always cheaper than the hard covers. Then I started to go to book fairs because you can get books there for a dollar. I would go multiple days and get as many books as I could. Then I decided that I should probably get a library card because eventually I read all those books and would have to go back to the bookstore. I read pretty fast and go through like three books a week. I rarely read the same book twice unless it grabs me, then I will read it a couple times.

I carry a book with me everywhere I go. You never know when an opportunity will come that is a perfect time to read a book and a girl is always prepared. If my husband and I are running errands and he goes in the store to grab something and I stay in the car, perfect time to read a couple pages. If I am stuck waiting at the doctors or say the Secretary of State, perfect time to read a couple chapters. Hanging out with the parents just chilling, perfect time to read a paragraph here, a paragraph there. If you are truly a book lover, then you will always find an opportunity to read, just like I do and that’s why I always carry a book with me, you just never know.

I get so involved with the characters and the story when I read that I find that the words play out like a movie in m head and that I am not really reading the words on the page. The world could be ending and if I am reading a good book there is a good chance that I would not know it was happening. My husband has learned that if he wants to get my attention while I’m reading he needs to say my name, that will pull me out of what ever world I’m in. He also has to make sure that I look at him too because he could have a whole conversation with me and I will not even know it if he doesn’t make sure I am looking at him. We have gotten into many “discussions” about this before so he makes sure that he has my full attention before he says what he wanted to say.

Thanks guys, hope you stick around

Kate

 

Going to a party

I don’t know what could give me more anxiety than having to go to a party. I try real hard to be social but the moment that I make plans to hang out with someone or accept an invite to a party than I am completely over come with anxiety and totally regret saying yes. I cherish my alone time and I will make plans to do absolutely nothing. There is always this feeling though that I need to be more social, I ignore it when I can but there are times that I just cannot and I have to go out with other people. I do not count my husband in any of this, for some reason I can hang out with him every day all day and never get a feeling that I need to be completely alone. I am just that comfortable around him that if it’s just him and I, then I’m good. I guess that what you would call Love.

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This passed weekend I absolutely got no alone time. I had a four day weekend but it was jammed pack with social interaction. My aunt got married on Saturday, she had asked me to do the flowers for her wedding. This is not unusual since I used to work in flower shop. So on Friday I had to go down to my flower wholesalers and pick up the flowers and supplies.  Then in the afternoon I had made a hair appointment to get a trim and color job because those pesky grays were showing. I spent the rest of the day making the bouquets and centerpieces, while talking to my aunt, the hall that the reception was at, my mother who was in charge of the favors and my grandmother who was in charge of the church set up. Almost forgot, I had a nail appointment Thursday night.

On Saturday morning I had finished up all the flowers so that my husband and I could get to the reception hall and set up, while dealing with the employees there who were also setting up the room. The we headed to the church to set up there and get the flowers to the appropriate people. It was a small wedding, about sixty people, so everyone there was really close to either my aunt or her new husband.  People love to comment on the flowers to me, so I had family from my side and strangers from the grooms side coming up to me saying over and over how wonderful the flowers look. Then the ceremony started and ended and when then headed to the hall to celebrate this wonderful occasion.  After the wedding we went out to the parking lot that happened to have wet sealcoating all over it which ended up ruining a few pairs of shoes.  Seems pretty silly that they did not post a sign. 🙁

It’s not over yet, on Sunday we celebrated my niece’s third birthday party. Since all the family was in town to celebrate my aunts wedding, my brother decided to have the birthday party on Sunday. We were over at my parents house from about noon to ten at night celebrating with my family, my sister in laws family and some close friends. We also spent all of Monday at my parents house as well because my brother and his family live out of state and we don’t get to see them often so they stayed in town under Tuesday morning. Monday was the most relaxing day of my hectic weekend since the only people there were my parents, my husband, my brother, sister in law and two nieces.

That was the best day but still taxing because I was exhausted from the previous days. After that weekend was over I vowed not to see anyone for a whole month. We will see how that turns out.

Thanks for being here, hope you come back

Kate

Awkward Encounters

I have had many encounters that have been awkward. Usually they are awkward because I don’t realize someone is talking to me until that have completely finished their statement. I tend to hang out inside my head more than I do outside of it and I don’t typically pay attention to my surroundings.  So people will be talking to me and I’ll no idea until its too late. This happens very often, so I try to pay attention but it’s hard, I find myself inside my head all to often. This can be very frustrating to people because there are times that I will be looking right at you and not hear anything you say. I don’t do this on purpose, it just seems natural to me to think things rather than say things.

I have been many places where I am waiting in line and the person either in front of me or behind me starts to talk to me and I don’t realize it’s me they are talking to until they repeat themselves and I end up saying “I didn’t catch that, sorry” then they start saying it all over again. About ten out of ten times it’s something that I don’t care about, it usually will have to do with the long line or the slow employee behind the counter, never is it something positive. Whenever another customer starts up a conversation with me in a line it’s always to complain about something. I feel people love to complain and they never bring up something that is positive. So when this happens to me, I try to be polite and acknowledge them but either just smile or give them a one word answer then turn back around to discourage them from continuing the conversation. This will work when the other person is behind me but when they are in front of me and keep turning around to talk I will say out loud “shoot, I forgot something” and will get out of line and go roam the store for a couple of minutes to get away from this person. You might think I am crazy for doing this but I am never really in that much of a hurry to stand there and talk to a person randomly like that, I would rather get out of line to avoid them then just stand there talking to them.

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My husband does not understand why I do this, he is an extrovert, so he talks to everyone about everything and he will have a conversation with a complete stranger for what seems to me forever.  For instance, the other day we were in line at the grocery store and my husband struck up with a conversation with a guy that owns a tree company in Waterford, Michigan and they literally talked for over five minutes about things that I would never talk to a stranger about.  I don’t understand that. So when we are out together, I rely on him to get things done and I will just follow his lead. If we need to find something he will ask, if someone starts talking to us he will answer. I am grateful for this, he thinks I am being silly. I don’t care about that as long as he is doing the talking. It’s when I am by myself that I will walk away from people if I can, I’m sure that it’s awkward for that person that I walk away but it will be awkward for me to just stand there and talk with me. I can’t control how other people will react or feel about it, I can just control me and I would rather just walk away.

Thanks for listening, hope you come back!

Kate

 

 

It’s not personal

There is a fine balance between being an introvert and a lonely person. Introverts like me are not lonely people, we just prefer to be by ourselves, that doesn’t mean that we are alone. There is so much going on inside my head that I can truly never be alone.

The most difficult about be introverted is having your friends and family not understand why you never want to hang out. The people that are closest to me know that I much prefer staying home but I will come out to parties every once in a while but I never stay to long and I always make sure that I talk to every one there for a good amount of time because it could be a while before I come out of my house again. This way I know that I socialized with the people that matter most to me to make sure they know that I care about them. Then for the next couple days, hopefully, I will not have to talk to anyone, well except for my husband, which isn’t hard for me at all because he is my most favorite person in the whole world and probably the only person that I could spend all day every with and not get anxious about it.

My fellow coworkers are always shocked to find out that I am an introvert because at my job I know that I have to be outgoing, even though it pretty much drains me and when I get home I need to totally recharge my batteries. There are many nights that people will come me after work and I will not answer the phone, I just cannot talk to anymore people, I’ll text when I am home but just for a few minutes because I need to just relax. I feel that at work I cannot truly be myself because if I did not talk to my coworkers or if I just was lost in my own little world the entire day then that would not make a good working environment for me or for them. So I am outgoing at work and I do find that I get along with most of my coworkers and we have a great time but there are those that I do not get along with yet I am still friendly with them because I feel that the majority of people will go along to get along. I take my examples from others and not myself because then I would not talk to anyone.

I want others to know that it’s not personal, it’s not a matter of whether I like you or not because I love my parents dearly but there are times that I just don’t want to talk to them. I can only handle so much of enter actions with other people before I just completely shut down and need to just be only and  it’s not because I do not like you. I just need to recharge and gather myself back together.

I hope that you how have read this can understand what I am saying because I know there are more introverts out there than we know, we just don’t like to make ourselves known so I hope some of you make it to this blog and enjoy reading it as much as I am going to enjoy writing it.

Thanks, hope you come back!

Kate

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